Hello Internet People!
FIRST: TLDR? Here is a YouTube video where I say most of this instead. Bonus: Fast Forward to 17:43 for a silly Motel Tour.
It has been quite a while. Too long, really, truly, too long. The last time I posted a video was the tail end of January, and I only blogged once since then on my other site: www.lululemonexpert.com. If you know me, you know that writing is my real passion. I love to write and express my feelings and opinions that way. It is my calling. I love to be creative, and YouTube has given me that outlet too. Being able to share and making videos is a lot of fun. – Except editing. Editing is the bane of my existence. lol.
Many of you know that I am pregnant (squeee!!)
and that the first two months were kinda rough. I spend nearly 20 hours a day in bed and slept most of them. I was awake long enough to eat, and felt nauseated nearly constantly. By the end of January, I was actually feeling quite a bit better, though not 100%, but well enough to pick my hobbies back up & get back to doing the things that I love. So, I made a video and I was planning to make another one on February 2nd. That’s when I got a message from my cousin telling me to contact my grandmother. I was really worried because my grandpa Ray is over 80 and has hypertension. The good news is that he is doing well, the bad news is that I found out my father had passed away. Devastated. He’s not perfect, but… He was a really good person. I wrote a little something on this blog about it, because writing helps me process my emotions and that helps me feel better. I was not doing well.
I spent that day on the couch, watching old movies my dad & I used to watch together like “The Princess Bride,” and my husband spent the entire day there with me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I spent the next two weeks in an emotional state that left me drained and withdrawn. I intentionally isolated myself. I didn’t want anyone to see my like that.
However, I had already planned to go visit family later that month- my plane ticket was booked months ago, so I flew back to Canada, and mourned with my grandparents over the loss of their son. It’s not right. No one should ever have to bury their child. I visited with old friends, some of whom I’ve known for decades, and they listened, even as I (unsuccessfully) held back tears as I discussed my father. I was crying because I miss him, and I was crying because I was so grateful to have friends like them. Looking into their eyes and seeing only understanding and patience made me feel very fortunate to have them in my life. Sorry to anyone at the Nordik that day for my out of place display of emotion in the common areas. I spent a lot of time with my great aunt, and my uncles too and we talked about my dad, they gave me a few momentos too. My step grandpa actually told me a funny story about how he met my dad. It was right after my dad lost part of his hand, and he was at a local watering hole. He and my step grandpa started hanging out & talking about what my dad was going through, meanwhile, neither of them knew that my step grandpa was actually waiting for my grandma to get there. So, he introduced my dad to my grandma when she arrived. It’s funny how small towns work like that.
During the last leg of my trip to Canada, I went to visit my mom & step dad. If you’re a follower of mine, you might have seen a couple of my videos about my childhood, and it might occur to you that things were not always perfect at home. While I was there, some things triggered my anxiety and reminded me of negative aspects of my childhood. When I was in my early 20’s, I had gone to therapy and I really thought that my therapist and I had worked through a lot of these issues, but some things triggered my anxiety and I realized that I’m not 100% over everything.
Meanwhile, my cat, Cleo, got mouth cancer. We were told that she would have a few months before the cancer would make it too painful for her to eat- even with the medication. But the cancer progressed extremely quickly, and less than a month later, she was no longer eating because she was in so much pain. She became lethargic and she was clearly emotionally distraught, as she was no longer able to clean or comfort herself. Watching her go through that was heartbreaking for us. We are grateful for the time we got to spend with her. Sometimes, I still expect to see her when I go to the kitchen, or when I’m at the grocery store I still think: Do I need to pick up cat food? She is missed.
In March, I had my next visit with the obstetrician. I was still not feeling 100% in terms of my levels of exhaustion and I was still napping a lot. I figured, well, I’m pregnant, and emotionally, I was not in the best place, so it didn’t seem that odd to me, to be tired. My doctor seemed surprised, so she ordered a few tests, and my vitamin D came back low. I was at 14 ng/mL, and what I need is a minimum of 20, 20-50 is considered normal. She told me to take a vitamin D supplement and the next time we measured my vitamin D, I was at 29 ng/mL.
The best part of visiting my obstetrician is hearing the baby’s heartbeat and seeing the ultrasound. Knowing my baby is healthy and growing strong is an absolute blessing and makes me so happy.
This time, I had lots of questions for my doctor, but one of them seemed especially important: would it be okay for me to go see a therapist to help process everything that’s happened in my life lately?
I was noticing that things that meant a lot to me, and things I enjoy like writing & YouTube seemed so far away and not fun anymore. I needed someone to help me process these things now, so I could get back to being me and doing the things that I love. My doctor encouraged me, and said that going to therapy is healthier to so sooner rather than later.
Like I said earlier, I had gone to therapy in my early twenties, ( – to anyone that went to college with me and had class Thursdays at 2: sorry, I had had therapy at at noon, so my eyes would have been red af and I would not have been in the best mood.-) Because I was going through all this stuff with my dad and my cat and having my anxiety triggered, I decided to go back to therapy, starting once a week again, like I used to.
I have three main goals for therapy:
- How to process what triggered me when I visited my parents
- How to properly grieve for my father in a healthy way and how to process that grief.
- Strategies for dealing with anxiety
So far, I do like my therapist, sometimes it takes a few visits to really develop a rapport, but I’ve seen her three times, and she and I are in the process of getting to know each other. Hopefully I can learn something from her and I can learn some things about myself.
Sometimes, when women become pregnant, we can forget that this is a time of great change for her. There is 50% more blood volume in her body, she needs enough nutrients and specific nutrients, such as Folate, to support the development of her unborn child. She may have new pains or emotional ups and downs. Her body is trying to accommodate everything, but there is not really enough room to do it, so her organs get squished together. My pregnancy has not been free from complications. This month, I started experiencing some random spikes in blood pressure. This is not uncommon during pregnancy and consistent high blood pressure caused by pregnancy is a serious condition that requires medical attention. I have not been diagnosed with gestational hypertension, but I was referred to a cardiologist when I was awoken several times during the night for a few days in a row with heart palpitations. These are also not uncommon during pregnancy, but certainly not nearly as serious a condition as hypertension.
So, I went to the cardiologist. I was “outfitted” with a cardiac monitor, which I was instructed to wear for a 24 hour period. I posted this pic to my Twitter and bragged about my “fancy necklace.” If I didn’t return it- there would be a $2000 charge! This monitor had 5 connection points, one you can see on my chest in the photo, plus 4 others. It measured every single heartbeat- and the data came back with nothing to worry about, just a few early beats, but nothing they plan to medicate me for. I’m also happy to report that my sleep has improved significantly and I’m no longer waking up during the night- except when my husband snores too loud!
The only other complaints I have are the random round ligament pains and heartburn. I am proud of myself for continuing to take care of myself including nutritionally, and by keeping up at the gym. My doctor has let me know that as long as I am comfortable, I can continue working out, and I intend to do so until I become too rotund.
While I was experiencing all these things, some days were better than others, and I got a lot of support from my family. I am grateful for their continued support.
I am happy to report that I am feeling a lot better, both physically and emotionally these days and I have rediscovered my passion and motivation to write and film! So excited to continue to share with y’all!
THANK YOU for being here with me!
Lemme know what you think in the comments! If you’re a momma, tell me about your experience or opinions!