Hello friendly internet people,
I so miss writing. I was thinking about getting back to writing my book, which will just be a collection of probably cynical dating advice I wish I had had when I was in my early 20’s, that way, I would not have embarrassed myself so much, but alas, I also don’t feel much like thinking right now, so an update on what is going on in my life is easier- and, I think more important for me to write.
I believe I left off here talking about my father, February/ March being difficult, and starting therapy. I’ll start by saying that I still go once a week and it is helpful. I had three initial goals for therapy one was to process the death of my father in a healthy way, and I think that I was actually mostly able to accomplish that with the help of my friends and family and also I felt a lot better after the funeral when everyone showed up to pay their respects, and I got to deliver the eulogy. I saved my notes, I’ll put them here when I get a chance.
(note: I couldn’t find the notes at the moment, but here is essentially what I said: Thank you for coming, many of you knew my father, some of you didn’t know him at all, but I appreciate you all being here today. What I admire most about my father is how non-judgmental he was. He was your friend, if you would be his friend in return. My father was a very generous man, I can’t tell you the number of times he gave me the last five dollars in his pocket, knowing that I would just spend it on candy. He always wanted the best for me, and I know that when he died, he was comforted knowing that I would be okay. He made sure I knew how important I was to him, and would always say “She’s my only daughter.” My father was a faithful believer in God. My daughter will come to know him through me and he will know her from wherever he is now.)
It was a very emotional day, but everyone was so kind. My grandfather on my mother’s side said some kind words, even though my mom & dad broke up when I was 6. He did get to know him very well, and served as a mediator from time to time. My cousin Scott put a small box of collectibles into the plot with him, my dad loved to collect basically anything and it was a thoughtful gesture on his part. I honestly wish I would have thought of it. My step-grandpa told the story of how he and my dad met, said some kind things, and reminded me that “He loved you very much.” My grandmother said some words, and I could only feel so badly for her because she was burying her second child. My father’s sister could manage no words, and I understood why. It was really hard for me to go in front of everyone and say mine, but they needed to be said, and I felt that it was an important part of the grieving process for me to say them.
My grandmother gave me a few photos of my father, and she also gave me an urn with some of his ashes inside. I was also very happy to learn that she also gave her ex-husband, my grandfather a similar urn, because he had also wanted one. He was unable to make it to the funeral, I know it meant a lot to him- as it does to me.
After the service, we gathered to talk and have a bite at the funeral home. It was very pleasant, and I got to visit with my grandfather, and a good friend of mine, who both came for the funeral from a few hours away and had to leave soon after. Then, my cousins, husband and I got to spend some quality time at the campsite with my cousins. It was so comfy- I even posted this video to Twitter about it. PS: I love Twitter. Come say hi 🙂
I said goodbye to my grandma, and we left the campsite. My trip to Canada was almost over, and I spent my last day visiting an old friend of mine, Sarah, and hanging out downtown. Unfortunately, something did not agree with my stomach, and I got very ill, making me cut my visit short. I think it was the milk- maybe it had soured? I refuse to believe that cake that delicious caused that much abdominal pain. Leave it to my old friend though, she made me feel like I was a #boss even at 6 months pregnant throwing up in a Chapters’ bathroom. Honestly, you should have been there. She kept commenting on how strong I was being. I love her.
My second goal for therapy was to develop some strategies for managing anxiety. My therapist gave me a few- I am currently using one. I really, really want to start meditating, but the idea of doing “nothing” is so foreign to me. And I’m very uncomfortable with it. Really need to get out of that comfort zone. Another thing she suggested was to develop a night time routine. Maybe I should take her up on that… I just find myself doing various things every evening with a small consistency being giving my dog her medication and taking my vitamins…brushing my teeth, then bed? Sometimes… Not much of a routine. The anxiety management technique that I AM using is when I feel anxious, I breathe and ground myself in my reality. I look around the room, count things and colors and describe what is here in my mind. This is distracting enough that it makes me stop worrying for a moment and sometimes I even forget the ridiculous thoughts I was even having. The point is to bring your mind back to reality, instead of worrying about the things that- frankly, especially in my case- are not actually worth worrying over, reason being: worrying will not solve the issues, if, in fact they can even be solved. Sometimes, I blow things out of proportion in my mind.
The third goal I had for therapy was to reconcile the thing that had triggered me when I was back at home in February. I am working on that, but it is a big tangled mess of things that need to be unravelled. I don’t know how long it will take but I’m making plans, and I will confront my fears.
So, I’m over nine months pregnant now. I feel huge. I’m actually proud of my body for holding up so well, considering my condition, but I feel really heavy, and have developed a proper waddle. I’ve shared pregnancy updates on my YouTube channel: June 1 and June 21. I talked about having low Antithrombin 3, being prescribed blood thinners and my doctors being worried about me getting a PE like my father. Being pregnant increases your risk of blood clots and after hearing about my family history and seeing the Edema in my calves/ ankles/ feet, my doctors thought it would be prudent to put me on daily blood thinners.
Right now, we’re talking about my due date and my doctor is thinking about whether she wants to induce me due to my medical issues, and we’re currently talking about scheduling a different date. The fetal medicine specialist also will be switching me over to a twice a day injection, rather than the once a day I’m on now to be safer closer to my due date. That way I won’t be on blood thinners during my birth, reducing potential complications from bleeding. I’m currently 1cm dilated and my cervix is 20% thinned. Normal for my gestation period.
In the meantime, not everything has been so difficult we have been keeping busy with the nursery (tour on my YouTube channel once we get settled) and a few social/ fun things. In one of my recent videos, I showed a bit of footage from our baby shower- Here are a couple of photos:
Here’s one a friend took of me a few days prior:
This one is probably my favorite of all the photos I’ve had taken of me and my pregnant body!
As for the social activities, we have managed to make it to a Train/ Goo Goo Dolls concert, which was AMAZING! One of my favorite songs of all time is sung by the Goo Goo Dolls, called “Iris,” and they played it and it was everything I’d imagined. I danced to it at my wedding and I have fond memories of the song, just in general too. Train also sings some of my favorite pop songs, and I ESPECIALLY like a song called “Meet Virginia.” There’s a lyric that goes “Wears high heels when she exercises, ain’t she beautiful?” And the impracticality of that totally describes me. Now, mind you, I don’t wear high heels when exercising, but I did go on a date once where we drove to Montreal in the winter and I wore OPEN TOED shoes, because they were pretty. Meanwhile, my date was a total gentleman, and although you could definitely tell that he was annoyed, we stopped somewhere to keep warm a while so my red toes could thaw. Have I told you lately how much I enjoy tangents?
Here’s something I filmed on my phone, I’m sure I’ve got a couple more things on my good camera, but I haven’t downloaded them yet- so… this is a little snippet of “Meet Virginia”
We also managed to go see “Matilda” the musical, based on the Roald Dahl book, with music and lyrics by Tim Minchin. I really enjoyed it, the kids in the audience seemed to love it, and the person they got to play Mrs. Trunchbull was absolutely fantastic. Convincing & a really good singing voice! The only note I would make is that if you didn’t know the basic storyline, it might have been hard to follow. But I’ve seen the movie several times, so I was just fine. It mustn’t have been too difficult though, because my husband said he got the basics.
Thankfully, we’ve been able to visit with friends, another thing I’m afraid I’ll be too busy for once the baby arrives. However, I’ve already made plans to go see a show in town with a friend, about 2 months after the baby is born- it is likely to be my first time away from her for a whole evening, but I do need to practice self-care, and my emotional well-being is important too!!!
That’s the most up-to-date info I’ve got, and I did want to write it all down (document it), and also let y’all know if you’re interested to hear!
Thanks for reading/caring/sharing. Let me know what you think in the comments!